Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
