Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
True college students do jello shots in the library
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