After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
