I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
MIDGETS
????
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
