woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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