Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
