I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You need Xanax blowdarts
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
