My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
