Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
