it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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