I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
