So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
