True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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