Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
