Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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