I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
