you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
