i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
