Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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