I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
