Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
