Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
