Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
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