i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
