clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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