I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
