the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
