Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
