He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
