Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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