I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
