Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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