Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
