i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
