life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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