In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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