Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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