i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
