I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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