If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
