I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
