it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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