You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
