You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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