regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
