On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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