Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
