We named our party play list daddy issues
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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