He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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