I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
